my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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