i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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