Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
