At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
