you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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