I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
