Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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