I can text with my tongue
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
