I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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