so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
