i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Everyone says I win the strip club
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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