dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
