I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
