Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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