When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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