u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
