Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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