If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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