She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
