Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
