And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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