I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
