if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
