walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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