I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
