I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Randomize
