I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
