Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
