Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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