legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
