you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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