every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
