dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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