Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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