Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
