How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
