You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
