i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
