Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
