we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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