Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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