did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I am one with the molecules
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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