the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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