Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
