Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
