me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
