kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
