I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
