By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
