I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
