Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
