this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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